Past relationships

I was just sittin here, posting on NX, when I came across this thread that Jake had started about old relationships. I read it and it really got me thinking about Nick again. Why is it that I think about him still? I don't hate him or anything like that but why is it that we haven't been together for almost three years and I think about him when someone brings up old loves. I mean, I know he was my first love and I cared about him more than I cared about myself for a while there but I wish that I didn't get so sad when I think about him. We had an awesome relationship and I know that I can't go back and change what happened between us at the end but sometimes I sit here and wonder what life would be like had we stayed together. I wouldn't be living in Fort Collins probably cause we'd probably be living together and starting a life together. I think about relationships so much lately, it's like eating at me or something. I just want a relationship again, something that is long term(although you never really know if it's going to be long term til you get into it and really know the person). But that's what I want, a loving, caring, special relationship. I don't want to be one of those people that is alone at the age of 40 and has like a million cats walking around the house. Man, I definately don't want to be a creepy old 'cat lady'. I think I'd shoot myself, lol. I guess I just don't want to be alone anymore....I mean, I have awesome friends that I wouldn't trade in for the world but to have a wonderful boyfriend on top of that would just make my day(well, hopfully it'd be longer than just a day but ya know, hehe).