Past relationships

I was just sittin here, posting on NX, when I came across this thread that Jake had started about old relationships. I read it and it really got me thinking about Nick again. Why is it that I think about him still? I don't hate him or anything like that but why is it that we haven't been together for almost three years and I think about him when someone brings up old loves. I mean, I know he was my first love and I cared about him more than I cared about myself for a while there but I wish that I didn't get so sad when I think about him. We had an awesome relationship and I know that I can't go back and change what happened between us at the end but sometimes I sit here and wonder what life would be like had we stayed together. I wouldn't be living in Fort Collins probably cause we'd probably be living together and starting a life together. I think about relationships so much lately, it's like eating at me or something. I just want a relationship again, something that is long term(although you never really know if it's going to be long term til you get into it and really know the person). But that's what I want, a loving, caring, special relationship. I don't want to be one of those people that is alone at the age of 40 and has like a million cats walking around the house. Man, I definately don't want to be a creepy old 'cat lady'. I think I'd shoot myself, lol. I guess I just don't want to be alone anymore....I mean, I have awesome friends that I wouldn't trade in for the world but to have a wonderful boyfriend on top of that would just make my day(well, hopfully it'd be longer than just a day but ya know, hehe).

Foam party fun

Last night was so much fun! A couple friends of mine went to a foam party last night, it's my third, and I can't wait to go back. Jamie, Genesis and I drove to Denver and met up with Tim and his girlfriend Molly at Polly Esther's for the sunday night foam party. We danced our asses off and had an awesome time. I'm glad that Molly is a sweetheart and not one of those girls that you just wanna punch in the face. She was really cool and I'm glad that Tim has found someone so nice and fun. We got home from the foam party around 2:30 and I stubbed my toe in Genesis' car, causing it to rip off part of my big toe nail. Hopefully it'll heal pretty quickly cause I hate having sore toes, it's just not fun cause you gotta walk on them and be in pain all the time.

I was talking to Steve earlier and he might lose his job tomorrow but he's not 100% sure yet. He doesn't want to work at Comcast anymore cause he hates his job so he's hoping that he can get fired and then get unemployment, which I guess would be a good thing. He doesn't want to work, which I can't blame him, but that would totally blow ass if he had to sell h is car. I got to see him and Cuddles on his web cam for a couple of minutes so that was nice cause I love getting to see him, even if it isn't in person :(

Well, I'm gunna sign off and get some sleep. Might have a job interview tomorrow so I need some rest.

Candy Corn

I'm sitting here eating some candy corn and talking to my friend Jon through MSN. We're playing little mind games on albinoblacksheep.com and the games are quite entertaining. It's amazing all the time I spend playing little, random, games online that I thoroughly enjoy and sometimes wonder how they can keep me entertained for so long, lol.

So yesterday I told that guy, Rick, that ask for my number at work, that I had a boyfriend. I made up having a long term boyfriend because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I wasn't interested in seeing him. I wonder if I should've just told him that I wasn't interested in anything more than a friendship? I'm just too nice because I didn't want to hurt him that way and I figured the boyfriend lie would be a lot better than hurting his feelings/price.

I'm still in the "I want a boyfriend' mode and it's really starting to wear at me. I really want to have that companionship and warmth of a boyfriend again, I miss that so much. Just having someone be there when I feel like cuddling up and watching tv or just sitting around talking with them for hours and hours on end.....*sigh*....I miss that more than anything. I still have feelings for a certain Utah boy but the distance really messed things up....well, at least I think it was the distance.....that and his feelings that he still has for his ex. I can't blame him for the feelings for her though cause I totally understand it, I still think about Nick sometimes and wonder how different my life could have and probably would have been had we stayed together. He was my first love and that is someone that is so hard to get over. I still have trouble letting down my guard and letting someone in because everytime I do, I get hurt, and I put those walls back up. When I met Nick(not Peer but Hamilton) we had an awesome connection and it scared me, and him, so I think that that is why things didn't work out there. I just hate it cause just when I start to get comfortable and really like the person, they stop calling or whatever and it totally fucks with my head. I think I get attached too quickly, I dunno, I guess that's it. I just hope that I can get a boyfriend someday again, I've been alone for way too long and the longer I go alone, the more I cry and feel unwanted/unattactive/unloved/ugly, etc...

Well, that's it for now. What a weird and long winded entry.

New Beginning

So I've been wanting to start a blog for some time and I guess tonight is the night. I'm getting really tired but wanted to get at least post post in before I head to bed. I hope that this will make it easier to get my thoughts and feelings written down cause it's so hard with just a pen and my journal sometimes. More to come later....