Hurting so much

I hurt so much right now. I am surrounded by people that either have relationships or are at least dating. Me, however, not so much. The one person that I've really liked in the past year or so isn't a possibility anymore. I need to quit fooling myself into thinking that he'll ever think of me as anything other than "dude" or "buddy"......I'm just a good friend to him and I need to realize that. I need to realize that I've been single, and probably will remain single, for a long ass time. No one has been interested in me in so long that I don't even remember what it feels like to be truly cared about. Lauren called me last night and was bitching about money and guys. FIRST OFF, I've got more money issues than she'll ever know and I'm only 21! SECOND OFF, she JUST broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and has already had more dates since then than I have in a couple years.....I've been single for 3 of those 4 years so I don't sympathize AT ALL. I'm here for her but it's so hard to sit here and not yell at her and cry my eyes out. I'm ugly and fat and I know it but to not have anyone be interested in me in years.....well, that just proves it and makes me hurt and die inside even more. How did I get like this? No one is ever intersted in me and I'm not one of those girls that even gets flirted with that often. I mean, sure, there are guys at work that I'm friends with that flirt with me but it's not the real flirting, it's the "we're friends and everybody flirts with everyone else at work" type of flirting. I just feel so unattractive, ugly, fat, lonely, etc.......I don't know how to get feeling better about myself. I keep secluding myself from people because I hate seeing how happy they are in their relationships and stuff.....it just makes me realize how alone and unhappy I am. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems or self esteem issues. I know that everytime I talk to someone about how I'm feeling, they just tell me that I'm pretty or whatever but I don't really think they mean it, they just want to get me to shut up about myself so they can go on talking about their boyfriend and their lives. What am I gunna do? I've been so depressed lately and I don't know how much more of this life I can take. I'm not suicidal or anything I just don't know how much more of this pain I can take. I'm afraid that I'll be single for the rest of my life and that I'll have these tears permanently staining my face. I just wish someone would love me.....I mean truly love and care about me. I've got wonderful friends and I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them but I just need more right now. I hate living alone now.....like, I love the freedom of walking around with no inhibitions but it's sooooo lonely here without someone to cuddle and sit around with. I know it's not all about having a boyfriend and everyone says "you're young, date around and have fun" but no one seems to even want to just date me. I just wish I knew why I was so undateable and unloveable. Another night of crying. Another night of loneliness.

Nightmares..

I had the worst dreams last night and I'm not sure why. Prolly cause I've been so stressed about money and other things, that's my only guess as to why I'd dream such sad dreams. The first dream was about my grandpa dying. He's the best person that I know and I admire him so much and I know that when he does really die I'll be depressed for forever. In my dream he died and I couldn't stop crying and crying, it was just horrible. I could feel myself being really upset in real life too....like when you wake up from a dream and you're crying or whatever and honestly upset. The second dream that I had last night also involved death and it made me just as sad. I got a call from someone telling me that Steve had died. I couldn't believe it and I remember hating myself because I had never told him that I loved him and how much he really meant to me, which is true in real life. I remember, from my dream, calling his cell phone and getting his answering machine(although I was expecting his mom or sister to answer) and starting to leave a message for him and then realizing that he was gone and I'd never be able to talk to him ever again or see or touch him ever again. It made me so sad and depressed and I couldn't help but feel like I had never told him how I felt and it was going to eat at me for the rest of my life. It's amazing how much dreams can effect the way you look at life and make you re-evaluate things. I don't know if I'll ever get the courage up to tell Steve how I feel....well, I did once but that was a long time ago and he prolly doesn't realize that I still have STRONG STRONG feelings for him. That's enough for now, it gets me sad just thinking about those dreams.

Caring so much...

I don't really know where to begin this entry so I guess I'll just start... Sometimes I wonder why God puts people in certain situations. Like why does he let us fall for people that we can't be with, in person? What I mean by that is this.....I met this wonderful guy back in August 2003 and I remember kissing him and holding him for hours, the night before I had to drive seven hours home, and lying there thinking that this was so awesome and that I wanted to be with him. Then, as I lay there, I remember thinking that the distance was going to be an issue...sure enough, it's gotten in the way big time. I'm not saying that he still likes me, or even still has feelings for me as more than a friend anymore, but the distance sure hasn't helped our situation.

I got a call last night at 2:30am...so I guess it was technically morning.....anyway, it was from him. He was calling me from Wendover, where he was playing blackjack and Roulette and drinking and having a grand old time. We talked for 16 minutes and 7 seconds(I know this cause it was on the call timer on my phone) and it was great to hear his voice. He was quite drunk at the time but it was awesome to hear his voice and know that he had thought about me, at least long enough, to walk out the casino and give me a call. Me of all people.....I know he was probably just "drunk calling" but it still felt really good. He was talking about how he wished I lived in Utah or, what he called 'The Potato, Idaho so that I could go with them or meet them down at the casino. I wanted so badly to be there, spending time with him and his friends....to be a part of his "real" life. Not that I'm not part of his real life but I want to be part of his everyday life, ya know? Like today, he gets online and says that he keeps puking and can't keep any food down cause he drank so much last night. All I want is to be there to take care of him....I wanted to get in my car and just drive....drive to Utah and be there with him. I was really worried cause he had this IM with Dave(his cousin) and Dave said that he was in such bad shape last night that he was drool puke and practically had a seizure and all this stuff. What really made me scared/upset is that he was so drunk and yet no one stayed with him for the rest of the night. There have been 3 cases within 4 weeks(at local universities) of alcohol related deaths and it makes me worry for Steve cause he hasn't been drinking for that long and doesn't know his limit at this point. I hope that he doesn't think I'm trying to be his mom or anything but I'm just scared to death to lose him. I think that he at least had alcohol poisoning cause that's what it sounded like. Enough ranting about the alcohol, lol.

But seriously, why does God let us fall in love with people that we can't be closer to? I wanted so badly to be with Steve today(well, everyday for that matter) and I am a 7 -7 1/2 hour drive away from him. I know that there are people that have so much more distance between them but it's hard cause we're one state away yet it seems so much farther. I haven't seen him, in person, since our Vegas trip back in March but I still care about and want to be with him as much now as I did then. *sigh* Apparently this entry has been mostly about him(go figure) so on that note, I'm gunna stop ranting.

Sleeping in til 3:30pm

Man, what a lazy ass day I had today. I can't believe I woke up at 3:30 this afternoon....that never happens! The latest I sleep til is 12:30 or 1 and that's quite rare. I guess my body just needed to catch up, eh!? I hope I can get to sleep tonight and wake up a bit earlier so I don't waste my other day off. When I sleep through my days off, or most of the day, I feel like I've just wasted my time and that really stinks.

I was in an MSN chat earlier with lots of people and we were talking about romance. It started kind of randomly because Steve put this smiley faceand I said that he(the smiley) was cute and he said something about me marrying it. Then Alan said that he had been kicked to the curb over a smiley face and all this stuff. Anyway, I mentioned how one of my ex's(Adam Thompson-Kinnear) had written me a poem and that I thought it was funny. I posted the poem and Steve was like that was nice and you're so mean Erin. I thought the poem was really nice the situation was just funny cause Adam had been pressured to write it by our youth group friends. Anyway, then Steve says that he had written his ex some poems before but that she didn't share the romantic gesture that he had and basically didn't like the poems. I think that that is such crap. Even if the poems had sucked ass, it's the thought that counts and she should've LOVED getting them. Steve is this awesome guy and I swear everytime I hear about his ex it makes me sad cause he's told us all this stuff about how she didn't appreciate him and stuff, even when he's just trying to be a nice guy. He told me that he gets her flowers every Valentine's day, even though they've been broken up, and this year she just told him not get them for her....I don't remember why but I do remember him being pissed cause she was such a bitch to him about it and it really upset him. I don't know her so I'm not calling her a bitch I just wish that Steve could realize that there is someone so much better for him out there.....even if it's not me that he wants, he could do so much better. :( Enough ranting on that.

So I had this dream last night that I got engaged. It was like in old english times or something....I had this pretty dress on, like the one that Drew Berrymore's character wears at the prom in 'Never Been Kissed'. It was so awesome and this ring was sooooooooo awesome. I woke up and wished that it hadn't been a dream cause this ring was simple yet elegant. Of course I was looking at rings online earlier....I didn't find that ring cause it was just so unusual and I've never seen anything like it in real life but I did find some really pretty rings that I am in love with now. The styles are "art deco" and "Tacori". These links are to the ones I found.

http://www.antiquejewelrymall.com/enrinset.html
http://wedding.weddingchannel.com/jewelry/search_results.asp?type=jewelry_engagement_rings&block=no&designerID=46141&breadcrumb=/jewelry/home.asp

Needless so say I'm quite a girl and looking at rings is definately a girl thing. I don't even have a boyfriend and I'm looking at wedding/engagement rings. *sigh* Oh well, I'm allowed, it's a girls right to look at rings and wedding dresses, etc...hehe. Enough of that kinda talk...it's gunna make me want a boyfriend even more and that's no good. I cry enough as is.